Plus three useful ways to overcome it
As you sit at your desk, your boss asks you to take on another project. Despite your daunting to-do list, you agree. Later, a text from your sister, in the midst of a breakup, prompts you to reply,
“of course”
to her lunchtime call request. The desire for a post-work Pilates class clashes with the guilt of extending your toddler’s daycare stay. You’re on the brink of burnout, but self-care efforts are overwhelmed by guilt and shame. Sound familiar? Disconnection from needs, desires and emotions that often precedes burnout is not something that popped up out of nowhere. It is a pattern that was learned and is embedded deep in their psyches from an early age. Burnt-out women desperate for a life that feels more sustainable are the
“good girls”
grown-up.
What is a “good girl”?
As children,
“good girls”
were rewarded by caregivers and society for being convenient, responsible and quiet. They were often praised for suppressing their big feelings like frustration or anger, and were described as the child that parents
“never had to worry about”. Often “good girls”
became responsible for things too early like managing their parents emotions, parenting younger siblings and navigating separation and divorce on behalf of the wider family. Being described as a child who was mature for their age goes hand in hand with the
“good girl”
phenomena.
Fast forward a few decades and you can clearly see how this
“good girl”
conditioning has created a burnt-out adult. Grown-up good girls struggle with the following:
Difficulty prioritising their own needs and will put the needs of others first to the detriment of their wellbeing
Feeling responsible for the emotions of others and will expend a lot of energy trying to keep others happy
Hesitant to set boundaries out of fear of upsetting someone
Emotions like anger are unintentionally suppressed through busyness and focussing on others, which often leads to an unexpected emotional outbursts followed by extreme guilt
A heavy reliance on external validation in order to feel like a “good enough” partner/parent/employee/business owner etc.
Avoidance of perceived conflict or disagreement and difficulty with direct communication
Pressure to be perfect and intense fear of making mistakes
But do not think for a second that you are forever stuck in this place of burnout. Change is possible. I’m going to give you three practices to try to start to unravel from your
“good girl”
conditioning and build a life that feels more sustainable.
Build curious self-awareness of your patterns
First things first. Shifting the deeply ingrained patterns you have been carrying around since childhood requires self-awareness. We cannot heal something if we don’t know it is there. The next time you go to cancel that Pilates class or take that call during work hours, pause and start to notice. What thoughts are running through your head? What do you fear would happen if you did something different? What sensations do you notice in your body as you contemplate the situation?
Connect with your inner “good girl” with compassion
We can help our inner
“good girl”
to transform when we connect with her in the ways that were missing in childhood. Visualise sitting with this younger version of yourself and giving her what she needed at the time. This might be a pep talk that explains that mistakes are an important part of learning, or letting her know that being responsible for her parents emotions was too heavy of a burden for a child to carry, or maybe just simply being with her without any expectations and listening with curiosity. The key here is to embody the kind of caregiver you wish you had.
Set boundaries
Boundaries are the communicated limits between you and another person. Taking the leap to set new boundaries can be a terrifying prospect for grown-up
“good girls’
who fear upsetting others. So the trick here is starting small and finding a sustainable ‘yes’ to go along with the boundary. This might sound like,
“Hey Mum, I can’t take phone calls from you during my workday as I need to stay focussed, let’s have a video chat on the weekend”.
An important FYI is that the disappointment expressed by the other person does not indicate that you are doing boundaries
“wrong”.
Disappointment is to be expected when we change a pattern of behaviour the other person is used to. The thing to remember here is that it is not your job to rescue them from their disappointment.
As you move through your day, echoes of the
“good girl”
conditioning can seem to shape your every move. But recognising these ingrained patterns is the first step toward reclaiming your worth and power. By fostering self-awareness, extending compassion to your inner
“good girl,”
and bravely setting boundaries, you can gradually dismantle the cycle of burnout. Each small step forward brings you closer to a life that feels more sustainable and authentic.
Adapted from: WH
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