Beige Flags in Relationships

Signs of potential abuse you shouldn't ignore as seen in "It Ends with Us"

In relationships, we often talk about red flags as clear warning signs of potentially harmful or abusive behavior. However, a newer term has emerged in the discourse:

"beige flags."

Beige flags refer to subtle signals or behaviors in a new relationship that suggest potential challenges or even the possibility of eventual abuse. Colleen Hoover’s novel It Ends with Us (and its subsequent film adaptation released in summer 2024) offers several examples of these beige flags, foreshadowing the more serious issues that arise between the protagonist, Lily Bloom, and her boyfriend, Ryle Kincaid.

Explosiveness and Aggression

One of the first beige flags in It Ends with Us occurs early in the story when Lily meets Ryle on a rooftop. Both are experiencing intense emotions related to loss and grief. During their encounter, Ryle demonstrates explosive behavior by throwing a chair. Instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he dismisses it by saying,

“It’s a strong chair."

This moment foreshadows Ryle’s tendency to handle stress with aggression, a trait that becomes increasingly problematic as their relationship progresses. Explosive and aggressive coping styles can be significant predictors of future physical abuse in relationships. A studyin 2001 found that aggressive behavior toward objects is strongly correlated with physical abuse in intimate relationships. More recent research highlights that maladaptive coping mechanisms, including aggressive actions, often escalate into more severe forms of violence and possible abuse. Aggressive behaviors and volatile emotional outbursts can lead to a cycle of escalating violence.

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Another beige flag involves subtle expressions of jealousy and possessiveness. Although these behaviors may not be overtly controlling at first, they can be early indicators of deeper trust and control issues. In the novel, Ryle's discomfort with Lily’s high school boyfriend became obsessive and a target of his abusive behavior over time. Recent research underscores the connection between jealousy and the escalation of abusive behaviors in relationships. A study in 2020 found that intense and irrational jealousy is a strong predictor of emotional abuse among young adults. Similarly one in 2022 found that jealousy-related behaviors, such as constant monitoring and unfounded accusations, create an environment of fear and dependence, potentially leading to more severe forms of abuse. These findings align with earlier literature, emphasizing that jealousy is not merely a sign of affection but can be a precursor to abusive dynamics. Recognizing and addressing these behaviors early can prevent the progression towards more harmful patterns of interaction.

Lack of Long-Term Friendships and Social Isolation

A third beige flag is a noticeable lack of long-term friendships and a tendency towards social isolation. Ryle does not seem to have many close, enduring friendships. Lily does not meet friends or family other than his sister. Individuals who struggle to sustain friendships often have underlying issues that affect their ability to engage in healthy, long-term relationships. The absence of long-term friendships can also be a sign of a partner's attempts to isolate their significant other from social support networks. Research in 2002 found that social isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to control their partners. Isolation reduces the victim's support network, making them more dependent on the abuser and less likely to seek help or recognize unhealthy relationship patterns. This tactic can be subtle at first, often masked as concern for the partner's well-being, but it can gradually lead to a scenario where the victim becomes increasingly isolated and reliant on the abuser.

Patterns of Gaslighting

Another significant beige flag is the presence of gaslighting behaviors, where one partner manipulates the other into doubting their own perceptions, memories, or reality. In It Ends with Us, Ryle frequently minimizes or denies his harmful actions, making Lily question her experiences and feelings. For example, after episodes of aggression, he tells her she

“fell down the stairs,”

leading her to doubt her own sanity and perception. Research in 2019 on the effects of gaslighting in relationships demonstrates that victims often experience lowered self-esteem, increased anxiety, and a gradual loss of trust in their own judgment. Gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional abuse that can have long-term psychological consequences. Gaslighting can leave deep emotional scars, making it one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse because it erodes the victim's ability to trust their own mind.

Warnings from Friends and Family

Finally, warnings from friends and family can be one of the most telling beige flags. In It Ends with Us, Ryle’s sister expresses early concerns about his relationship with Lily, telling her not to get involved with him. Outside perspectives are crucial, as research shows that people close to the couple may notice red flags that the individuals in the relationship might overlook, especially during the early stages when idealization and infatuation are more prevalent. A study in 2006 found that a significant percentage of women who experienced physical abuse reported that friends or family members had expressed concerns or issued warnings about their partners. These external observations can provide a more objective assessment of the relationship, potentially alerting individuals to dangers they might not see themselves due to emotional involvement or denial. It’s important to take these warnings seriously to prevent possible harm.

In relationships, beige flags are subtle yet significant indicators that something might be amiss. While they may not seem alarming at first, these behaviors can foreshadow more serious issues like aggression, control, and abuse. Recognizing these early signs, as illustrated in It Ends with Us, can help individuals make more informed decisions about their relationships and potentially avoid future emotional, physical or sexual harm. Awareness and early intervention are key to fostering healthy, respectful, and safe partnerships. Being attentive to these subtle signals can make the difference between a relationship that is nurturing and one that becomes toxic and damaging.

Adapted from: Psychology Today