What is co-regulation, and how can it help kids learn to self-regulate their emotions?
When preschoolers are melting down or teens are slamming doors, parents face two difficult tasks: keeping themselves composed and supporting their kids' ability to self-soothe while building skills to handle future challenges. These abilities are at the heart of co-regulation, a parenting tool that requires patience and practice. But what exactly is involved, and how does it help support children and teens wrestling with big emotions?
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is a supportive, interactive, and dynamic process. Through warm and responsive interactions, caregivers help young people learn better ways to regulate their emotions during the inevitable upsets and challenges of life. "At its heart, co-regulation is connecting with a child who's in distress and being able to evaluate what that child needs in the moment to help calm themselves. But before a parent or trusted adult can help a child, they need to understand — and possibly expand — their own emotional skills and limitations. Emotions are often contagious, whether a person is upset or sharing a sense of calm. The tricky part of co-regulation is that adults have to recognize how they're feeling and be able to regulate their own emotions in difficult moments so they can help children to gain these same skills. But this will be so important for kids to develop healthy relationships over time, and affects how people do in school, work, and life in general.
How does building emotional skills help children and teens?
As children grow up, they learn different skills — how to build a block tower, play a sport, or solve a math equation. They also learn emotional skills: how to recognize and handle feelings of anger or anxiety, for example. Known as self-regulation, such emotional skills are truly the basis of wellness in life. By consistently practicing co-regulation, parents and other trusted adults foster self-regulation skills in kids.
The list of self-regulation skills is wide-ranging, involving
emotional awareness and literacy, including the ability to identify emotions
emotional regulation skills such as self-soothing
perspective-taking, or the ability to "walk in another's shoes"
social skills such as taking turns and practicing patience
paying attention and remaining focused when needed
problem-solving
thinking flexibly
time management skills
goal-setting.
What are the potential benefits of co-regulation?
Co-regulation enables kids to eventually learn to
handle stress
resist immediate gratification
avoid hasty, ill-informed decisions
make and stick to plans
solve problems
adapt to challenges
take healthy risks.
Some research suggests that having better self-regulation skills is linked to more positive outcomes in life, such as higher income and lower rates of substance use and violence.
Who might especially benefit from co-regulation?
Everyone wins when kids are better able to navigate frustrations and manage their reactions to their thoughts and feelings. Parents, teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, mentors, and other adults who interact closely with children also stand to benefit. As for kids themselves, it's hard to think of any whose lives won't be improved by adults who have invested themselves in practicing co-regulation. But practicing co-regulation skills with certain children and adolescents — including those whose families are experiencing economic hardship, substance abuse, divorce, or other distressing situations — can be especially important.
Is there evidence that co-regulation works?
While co-regulation is built upon a solid theoretical framework, not many studies have delved into its effectiveness — at least across all age groups. Research that does focuses mainly on infants and preschoolers. Much less is known about how co-regulation interventions work for older youth. The research is trying to catch up to what we know from years of clinical experience.
How can a parent coach a child through co-regulation?
Co-regulation doesn't stand alone as a skill. It relies on fostering a warm, responsive relationship with children, providing structure, and setting limits. Children benefit from consistent, predictable routines with clear expectations and consequences. When a child begins experiencing big emotions, a co-regulation response will look different depending on the child and circumstances. But the steps to take are similar. First, the parent needs to pause and self-regulate their own emotions, such as by taking a deep breath. The next steps are validating the child's feelings, observing the child's response, and then deciding how to respond next, including verbally and nonverbally, such as with a touch.
Adapted from: Harvard Health
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