In Star Trek: The Next Generation, there is an episode during which the USS Enterprise makes contact with a species that speaks in metaphor. They say, for example,
"Darmock and Jillad at Tanagra."
Captain Jean-Luc Picard is seemingly kidnapped and believes the alien captain is challenging him to a fight until he realizes that instead, it is an invitation to come together to fight a mutual enemy, just as in their culture's story of Darmock and Jillad. Contrary to an act of aggression, it is a call for connection. While you may have never been beamed to another planet by an alien species, some of us can certainly relate to the difficulty of catching key moments in relationships. An interaction as simple as someone sharing about an upcoming medical procedure or asking about a fishing trip could be a critical point.
At the end of the day, it's not about the procedure or the fishing; these are efforts to get closer. Ones that can be so easy to overlook. It's not uncommon for how we respond to one or more of these outreaches to become a turning point. I often hear from clients about someone who either was or was not
"there,"
referencing a small gesture they made and how someone reacted. Sometimes, it can be the difference between a deepening or movement toward the end of a relationship. We have a choice: to turn toward the other or away. The pattern of how we respond over time can significantly impact a relationship's quality. In addition, our experiences in relationships over time affect how we respond to these bids. For example, experiences of betrayal, hurt, and abuse can lead us to withdraw, making it harder to build up positive relationships and trust.
What follows are 7 small but key calls for connection that can be pivotal in the course of a relationship:
1. A Compliment. Many of us are not naturally comfortable with compliments. Yet a compliment can be a means of appreciating another. Giving a compliment is a small risk as we don't know how others will respond. Responding in an attuned way can deepen the relationship, while a brief dismissal can unwittingly push the other away.
2. Sharing Good News. Often, we share good news with those closest to us first. We are giving an invitation to celebrate. For example, a child brings home a grade they feel good about. These things mean a lot. Joining with each other in these moments is just as important as being there for each other in difficult times.
3. A Common Enemy. As with the tale of Darmock and Jillad at Tanagra, sometimes a bid for connection is an ask for help in coming against a common difficulty. This could be showing up with a friend at a walk for a cause of mutual significance. It could also be offering practical support after a natural disaster. It's important to note that not all bids for connection are
"healthy."
Sometimes, someone will seek out an ally in drama as a way to feel supported. If we join in, we get caught in the middle. Still, we can respond in ways that offer connection without getting triangulated into a conflict, such as by listening and showing care.
4. Shared Experiences. This is what many think about when they hear about bids for connection. Shared experiences like weddings, holiday gatherings, or walks give us ways to share life. It doesn't have to be anything major. Moments like catching fireflies with your daughter or watching a storm with a friend are times to get closer. It might sound simple, but with technology often pulling us away from the present moments, these shared experiences sometimes unfortunately fade away.
5. Gifts. Gifts can be tricky as we recognize, as a culture, that love can not be
"bought."
Still, giving a gift, especially something specially chosen, can be a bid for connection. As such, we can act by turning toward or away.
6. Pains. Those around us during our toughest days are often those we hold closest. Even if it does not sound too serious, if someone shares something they are struggling with, this is a key time to show up. It's not as much about what they are going through as giving a sense that they are cared for.
7. Laughter. When relationships fall on difficult times, it is often not because of the accumulation of so many bad things but because of the absence of good ones. Laughter is an untethered expression of joy. Uniting with each other in these genuine spaces while sharing jokes and humor can be surprisingly important to the health of a relationship.
Relationships are like a garden; they take ongoing tending in order to blossom. No one notices or takes every opportunity to connect. We are human. Still, taking time to attend to as many of these key moments as possible increases the likelihood that our relationships will flourish.
Adapted from: PT
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