Not all friendships are meant to last. But it’s difficult knowing which friendships are meant to last for a season, and not for a lifetime. According to Jim Rohn, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. And if that statistic doesn’t scare you, then it should at least send home the message that while it might be difficult to figure out which friendships are meant for the long haul, it’s absolutely essential to know which ones are which. Friendships influence us in more ways than we know, so knowing how to end a friendship and move on could be the determining factor to a lot of your happiness.
When determining whether or not to end a friendship, tons of factors come to play. Life is nuanced, people are layered, and situations are complicated. Here is a guide on how to know when it’s time to end a friendship and move on with your life. Hopefully this gives you some clarity when curating a friend group that brings out the best in you!
When to Know It’s Time to Phase Out a Friendship
Knowing when to phase out a friendship can be tricky, but we have compiled the obvious signs you should know when making this delicate decision. If you recognize any of these patterns in your friendship, it could be time to end the friendship for good.
The Friendship is Hot and Cold
Anyone who uses their attention and warmth as a weapon automatically have a red flag across their face. You can spot this easily by tracking if they treat you in unpredictable ways. Do you ever know what to expect when you show up? Are you a little squeamish due to your last encounter? Do you feel yourself getting nervous, wondering if they’re going to be mad again for no reason?
This is no way to live.
This finicky behavior is typically tied to their sensitive ego. Of course not all friends are going to be baring up rainbows 24/7 – everyone has their days – but these friends are truly calculated about when they turn their charm on, and when they turn it off. If you continually find yourself receiving the cold shoulder after a short disagreement, an awkward moment, or a vulnerable talk – please know that isn’t coincidence. That is manipulation.
You’ll also find that they really kick up the affection whenever they need it – not whenever you need it.
They might signal a sweet smile and loop you into conversation whenever they feel alienated. If their typical wingman isn’t making an appearance that night, you might get the number one slot due to circumstance. And they definitely turn up the heat whenever they want to make someone else feel like the odd man out.
Bottom line; this person isn’t your friend. You are a toy to be played with, and you have zero control over how you will be treated from day to day. Instead of rolling with the punches, take control and kindly (or not kindly) see this person out. Life is too unpredictable as it is to have to additionally worry about treatment from
“friends.”
The Friendship is Lop-Sided
One-sided friendships are the worst. They take up your psychic energy, drain your time, and eventually make you feel cornered. It’s nice to be needed, and it’s even better to be useful, but not at the expense of your self-care.
PSA: It’s not selfish to want to discuss your own issues or your daily happenings with a friend.
Balance is an essential function of friendship. Without it, the steam roll-ee will eventually feel bitter, resentful, and used. Don’t freak out if your amazing friendship has suddenly shifted a bit to due to circumstance. Friendships to ebb and flow. Sometimes one of you will give more than you take. True friends adjust this balance depending on the context of life. But if this is a consistent pattern – one you can tell is not heading in a healthy direction – take caution. You do not have time in your life to manage your emotional needs AND a fellow adult’s emotional needs.
As someone once put it, “I can’t afford to take them on as a part time job.”
Friendships should enhance your life – not drain it.
It’s easy to feel super guilty about letting a friendship like this one in particular go. And you have to admit, part of you probably enjoys the constant attention because…
It validates the stability of your life
It helps you gain a more optimistic perspective about your own life choices
It entitles you to confidential information you might not otherwise know about
It makes you feel intelligent and needed
Everyone likes to have their ego stroked now and again, but these friendships take a lot of work. It is an actual job to have one sided conversations constantly. So unless you want to start emailing invoices after lengthy text convos, I suggest you make a change now.
TL;DR: Never let your ego dictate your friendships.
Your friendships should not feel like a part time job, they should not feed your ego, and they should not drain your happy vibes.
You Enable the Friend’s Bad Behaviors
When you hear the term ‘codependent relationship,’ you’re probably thinking about something romantic. While it’s true that many co-dependent relationships are in fact between spouses, don’t disqualify platonic relationships from the equation.
Codependency is a relationship in which one person enables another person’s bad habits. They might cover up the behavior for them, normalize it, make excuses for it, or even encourage it to some extent. Plenty of friendships can be codependent – especially those one-sided friendships.
If you feel that you are an accessory for enabling a poor behavior in a friend, take a step back. Without your attention, what would happen? Would the behavior extinguish? Would they find someone else to be their enabler? Would they assume responsibility for their own actions and finally make a change?
Here are a few examples of co-dependent relationships just to give you a better feel:
A friendship between an alcoholic and a party friend who supplies the beer and the bar hopping.
A friendship between a complainer/“woe is me” type and an empathetic ear who always offers sympathy to encourage the helplessness.
A friendship between a slacker and a doer who always finishes the project, cleans the house, or provides information so that the jobs still get done.
In each scenario, a bad behavior is being enabled instead of discouraged, because the second friend always manages to prevent whatever negative consequences the first friend should endure. We cannot confuse being a friend with being an enabler.
Friendships should exist between two adults who take care of their own responsibilities and their own emotional needs.
If one uses the other as a crutch, that isn’t a friendship. It’s co-dependency.
Again, it might feel cold and heartless to end a friendship, but you aren’t doing your codependent friend any favors by staying in this dance. In fact, you are guaranteeing that this friend will have little to no motivation to actually make a change in their lives. Why would they when they have you to fix everything for them? You don’t have to have a good reason to end a friendship, but this is certainly up there. Release yourself from guilt and walk away before you become so entrenched in this friendship that you can’t remember life prior to double the responsibilities.
The Friend Constantly Speak Poorly of Others
Rule of thumb: If they talk about others, they’re talking about you.
Everyone gossips. It is what it is. People like talking about other people – and not always in a hurtful sense. People will always be curious. So an occasional rip on a friend or a venting session is going to be a normal occurrence in any friendship. But again, like the rest of these signs, a PATTERN of negativity and spitefulness is not a good sign. Plus there is no way it can’t be rubbing off on you in some way.
Think about it. When your friend goes into a tirade about that bitch and a half Becky, do you stay silent? No, of course not. You probably chime in just to erase the awkward silence that would definitely develop had you stayed quiet. You come up with some rude thing to say about her to contribute to the conversation. But is that really you? Do you really think Becky is that much of a bitch? What if she just has a sassy attitude and strong opinions? Is that really so bad?? (Becky call me – we would get along.) Remember how this article started – with the super smart quote from the super smart dude. We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So if you are spending time with someone who really isn’t nice to other people, statistics show that there’s a chance you won’t be, either.
Why take the risk?
If you really think you can stop this habit and have an honest conversation with this friend about tuning out the gossip, please do it. It would be lovely if you could hold onto an otherwise healthy friendship. But if you know that distinguishing this behavior isn’t in the cards, think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about if you want unfair gossip circulating about you (it certainly is). Think about your own reputation. Think about the energy you are putting out into the universe. And really think about if this friendship is making you a better person.
The Friendship Doesn’t Care About Your Best Interests
This is also called being a bad influence.
There are a plethora of reasons why your friend might not have your best interest at heart. The two most common are
1) low self-esteem and, 2) the fact that misery adores company.
If your friend tries to pick fights between you and others, encourages you to go out on weeknights with complete disregard for your day tomorrow, poo-poos life events and anything you are genuinely excited about, discourages you from challenging yourself, or feels intimidated by any of your successes, this person does not have your best interest at heart.
This might be tough, I know, because at one point, there was something tying you two together. Maybe you both got dumped at the same time and could commiserate over how awful it was. Perhaps you both HATED work because your boss was a complete moron who made your lives agonizing. Or maybe you both moved to a new city right after college and took full advantage of the bar scene. But then…you started dating again. You got a promotion. You grew out of it. Whatever shifted now makes this friend super uncomfortable, and frankly they haven’t been supportive. Get. Out. Again – most friendships are not meant to last. Sometimes you have no other choice but to end a friendship. I hope this isn’t coming across as too cynical, but I am pretty confident with this assessment after working with client after client in the same predicament.
A lot of friendships serve a purpose, and once that purpose expires, so does the friendship.
If it’s any consolation, these friendships weren’t built on mutual values or a deep and secure affinity for each other. They were probably loosely formed thanks to one similar commonality or pure convenience. And now, one or both of those factors doesn’t factor in anymore. No biggie.
Shedding friendships that don’t serve your best interests is one of the best things you can do for your self-esteem, motivation, and direction. If you have a game plan for life, you need people cheering you on every step of the way. And I have a feeling you’d be a great cheerleader in return. So give yourself that opportunity and phase out friendships that don’t meet your needs. It’s not selfish – it’s healthy.
Breaking Up With a Friend
Now that you’ve learned when it’s time to phase out a friendship, we have other indicators that most likely lead to ending a friendship. Breaking up with friends is never easy, but for the sake of your mental health, it’s worth it. You deserve to have fulfilling and genuine friendships. In order to have those, you need to make room for them by ending toxic friendships. Here are more clues it’s time to end a friendship:
The Negative Interactions Outnumber the Positive Ones
If you hang out with your friend on a regular basis and more times than not there is a negative interaction, it might be time to call it quits. Friendships are meant to be enjoyable, not tense or anxiety provoking. Uncomfortable moments are bound to happen with any friend, and that’s ok, but if it’s becoming a common occurrence it could just be a sign that you two simply aren’t compatible.
Jealousy and Competition Run Rampant
One-upping, tense competition, and biting jealousy could be a sign your friendship isn’t what it’s chalked up to be. If you are constantly feeling the need to prove yourself to your friend, you’re going to feel more exhaustion than comfort from your pal. Friendships are supposed to be supportive and encouraging, not polarizing and antagonistic. So if you look around and realize you and your bud are constantly comparing and competing – it could be time to exit through the gift shop.
There’s Little Contribution to Your Life
Let’s be real, if someone wants to be in your life, they’ve gotta bring something to the table. Just like your polite dinner guests never show up empty handed, (and your true favorites bring wine), your friend should be delivering some sort of enhancement to your life. Maybe she always cheers you up. Perhaps she keeps you in stitches with her quick humor. Or maybe she’s just a good listener. Whatever it is that she contributes to your life, you cherish it. So if you seriously can’t think of much that she contributes – it could be time for one less chair at your next dinner party.
The Perceived Effort is Off Balance
One sided relationships are not fun. Nobody likes to constantly pursue someone else for their time while not feeling the same in return. So you’ve gotta ask yourself, why are you chasing somebody who won’t chase you back? Relationships that lack balance are often an indicator that the friendship isn’t quite doing it for one or more parties involved. And, if the balance isn’t in your favor, it could really damage your self-confidence. Don’t let that happen. If someone doesn’t have enough energy to reciprocate your fabulous friendship, then stop burning up all your energy, and let it go.
You Feel Controlled or Manipulated
If for any reason during a friendship you feel like you are not being your true self – stop and reflect immediately. Why is it that you aren’t acting like your authentic self? Are there some controlling behaviors at play? Are you a highly impressionable person? Do you feel that your friend is a bit manipulative? Really think about this one. The best friendships highlight our true character and mirror back how truly unique we are – so if you aren’t reaping those benefits – or instead feel the exact opposite, seriously re-evaluate the friendship as soon as possible.
You are Guilty by Association
Be honest: is your friend a good person? If you hesitated for even a minute just then – think about how her character is reflected in yours. If you are friends with a bully, chances are the world will assume you are a bully. Or even worse, you could become accustomed to bully-like behaviors, and even adopt some yourself. Yikes! Be careful with the people you associate with, because even though friends are not carbon copies of one another, we do pick up on mannerisms of the people we highly associate with. So it’s always helpful to be friends with people that have qualities we would be proud to emulate.
You Spend More Time Focusing on the Past Than the Present
We all have those friends that have been in our lives for years. Playdates grew into study groups that grew into happy hours and beyond – and we can’t imagine them not being in our lives.
Or can we? If you spend most of your time holding onto the relationship because of your history, it might be time to leave the past in the past. People grow apart, and that’s normal. If we held onto every single friend we ever had in our lives we would be seriously overwhelmed. Sometimes people grow into humans that we don’t really like anymore, but we yearn for the days where we got along on the playground. But it’s not a good idea to hold onto a toxic relationship simply because you feel obligated to honor your history.
Your Self-Esteem is Negatively Affected
Period. Dot. The. End.
If ANY of these reasons contribute to your self-esteem withering away whenever you are around this friend, it is absolutely time to end the friendship. Your self esteem has enough to deal with! We have to maintain our grades, our jobs, our apartments, our relationships, and all the while we are fighting off self doubt every step of the way. Friends are supposed to be our cheerleaders, our support systems, our buds. If for any reason a friend DOES NOT contribute to your overall confidence, then it’s really not a friendship at all.
Identifying Bad Friends
Now that we have gone over certain situations on when to end a friendship, it’s time to focus on the particular types of friends you should be on the lookout for. If you recognize one of these bad friends as one of your own, it could be time to end the friendship in order to keep your friendships strong and healthy.
The Convenient Bad Friend
This is the friend you have whose friendship is completely on their terms. You probably only see them when it’s convenient for them. It’s not that they don’t like you, they just don’t hold you to the same level as you hold them. These are the people who will typically call you when they are super bored on a Monday night and no one will go out. Or, even worse, will call when they need a ride to the airport last minute. And you can definitely count on the fact that you will not hear from them if their normal crew is around. It doesn’t bother you a ton, but enough to realize that you aren’t a priority…and occasionally it gets to you. No worries. It’s not personal. It really isn’t. But, in order to not feel broken hearted every time you see an Instagram shot sans you on Friday night, you simply have to reassess your friend prioritization…because any time you call them to do something you really want to do, you can expect a good ole *I’m sick* *cough, cough.*
The Negative Bad Friend
This one is difficult. You really like this girl. She’s there for you all the time, she genuinely cares what you have to say. Overall she seems like a good influence. Except for one tiny thing. She never has anything positive to say. You’ve even talked to her about it! You try to bring up the bright side, explain to her that
“thoughts are things,”
and distract her from all the negative observations she tends to notice. But, ugh. It still won’t stop. And now, you are being a bit negative. Uh oh. Being negative isn’t a crime. Your friend doesn’t deserve to be shunned from the world. But, she might not deserve all of the quality time you’re putting in, because unfortunately, she’s influencing your way of thinking. Anyone’s life has the ability to look really awful or really awesome, it’s just a matter of perspective. And if you want to see your life with rosy tinted glasses, then it’s probably best to surround yourself with other people who drink the happy kool-aid.
The Super Lazy Bad Friend
These friends can be really fun. They always are down to go out, hang out, or chill out. In fact they are pretty much down to do anything except work. And as much as we love this friend, we have to recognize that they might not be challenging us as much as we need. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not their job to get our butts moving, but sometimes they can rub off on us in ways we don’t want. Success breeds success, and if we constantly surround ourselves with people who really don’t feel like pushing themselves to do anything other than drink beer every night of the week, then the chances of us pushing ourselves to do anything else plummets. This doesn’t mean you have to completely cut them out, but be aware of the influence they may have on you. It’s important to focus on what you need to get done, and then cut loose and relax. As long as these friends can respect your need to werk it, you guys should be good.
The One Upping Bad Friend
Blah. This person just CANNOT deal with the fact that you might have something wonderful going on in your life! So, in order to support you, she just has to share something even BETTER about her wonderful existence. It’s a shame really, because she has the most hilarious sense of humor and can really bring light into a dark situation. But friends need to support each other and have a give and take. As annoying as this habit is, it typically comes from a girl dealing with low self esteem. If this person means a lot to you, be honest with her. Tell her that this behavior comes across as if she’s not happy for you. And then desperately try to build her up when it’s her turn to shine. If the behavior still continues, just remember that it’s best to surround yourself with people where you feel loved, accepted, and supported.
The Needy Bad Friend
Chances are, you only hear from this girl whenever a crisis is happening. They hardly ever check in when everything is good and well—they only need you when shit is about to hit the fan.
It can be flattering, sometimes. You are a great mediator and an even better listener, so you can offer good advice and help her feel better about the little mess she has created for herself. You give her the time and attention she needs to heal, and you even let yourself get excited that maybe this catastrophe has given new life to your stale friendship. But then, she’s gone. And you have to wait another six months until she comes back again. So, you have two choices. Be there for her when she needs it but don’t expect anything in return, or stop enabling the behavior by telling her to seek out someone else.
The Mean Bad Friend
Now, she’s not a bully to you. No way. She’s super nice to you. You two hang out all the time and get along famously. In fact, you actually didn’t even know she was a mean girl for a while. Sure, your other friends mentioned a few times that they didn’t LOVE her, but she has a strong personality. Maybe she’s just not everybody’s cup of tea. It wasn’t until recently that you started to notice, dang, she really isn’t nice to other people! Maybe she started pointing at strangers and laughing at them for their attire. Maybe she openly was rude to a friend at a house party because they wore shoes in the house accidentally. It’s even more likely that she just got comfortable enough with you to really start talking bad about some other girls in the group.
Whatever happened, it’s not good when you realize your friend is a bully. As we said earlier, It’s up to you whether or not you want to continue being friends with her, but know that 1) if she’s a bully, chances are people will think you are, too 2) you are just encouraging the behavior by giving her the positive feedback of being her friend and most of all, 3) if she does it to other people, chances are she will do it to you, too.
Adapted From: Blush
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