Why preschoolers lie
When you catch your preschooler weaving a tall tale or denying something you know they have done, they aren't purposefully trying to deceive you. At this age, the line between reality and fantasy is still a bit fuzzy. So rather than being mischievous, their fibs may stem from:
Forgetfulness. Preschoolers have short memories, so your child probably isn't trying to be crafty when she sets off a preschool melee by grabbing a classmate's toy and then denies any wrongdoing when you ask them about it later. They may simply have no memory of taking the toy.
Wishful thinking. When your preschooler firmly declares that they didn't break your delicate china vase, they are not really trying to get away with something. They're just wishing it didn't happen – so much so that they have convinced themselves they had nothing to do with it.
An active imagination. At this age, kids have a rich fantasy life. Your preschooler's creativity is at a peak, and they may think that what they conjure up in their head is actually true. After all, doesn't everyone travel to the jungles of Africa in the middle of the night?
A need to feel good. Creating stories makes your preschooler feel important. When they tell you that they swam all the way across an Olympic-sized pool by themselves, they are seeking approval for an impressive (though highly unlikely) accomplishment rather than consciously fibbing.
A craving for attention. Your preschooler may have figured out that telling a tall tale is a surefire way to get a response out of you – and they might not even care if it's a negative one. This type of "exploratory lying" may continue if it gets them the attention they want.
A sense of control. When your preschooler falsely claims that they were the one to rescue their baby sibling after they fell out of the swing, they are trying to bring some order to a situation that overwhelmed them.
What to do about lying
Humor them. It may seem counterintuitive – after all, you don't want to encourage lies – but the best way to handle this stage is to relax, enjoy your preschooler's tall tales, and gently nurture their instincts to be truthful. Highly embroidered fantasies are generally harmless and part of a preschooler's normal development. After all, you read fairy tales to your child – why shouldn't they offer some of their own? The same goes for imaginary friends. Pretend pals are normal and signal a child's well-developed imagination. Even when your preschooler blames a misdeed on their
"friend,"
there's nothing to worry about. From an emotional standpoint, imaginary friends serve an important purpose: They give a child a safe way to find out who they want to be.
Don't accuse. Couch your comments so they encourage confession, not denial:
"I wonder how these crayons got all over the living room carpet? I wish someone would help me pick them up."
Be sympathetic. It's easy to understand why your preschooler – who's just spilled apple juice all over Grandma's new carpet – doesn't want to 'fess up to it. Explain to them that instead of trying to wish that spill away, they can admit to it and help make things better by cleaning it up with Grandma. If they weren't supposed to be drinking juice in the living room to begin with, gently point out their wrongdoing, but also praise them for owning up to it. Eventually, they will catch on that telling the truth is less painful than telling a lie.
Explain why honesty is important. Your preschooler may tell you that they know lying is bad, but until they are 5 or 6, they won't fully grasp the moral implications of being untruthful. In the meantime, teach them about honesty by telling them the story of
"The Boy Who Cried Wolf,"
which drives home the importance of being trustworthy and also teaches her that lying can have serious consequences. A good book about lying is Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine, by Evaline Ness, which dramatically illustrates the ramifications of telling tall tales, yet manages to end happily.
Be positive, not punitive. If you expect your preschooler to tell you when they have done something wrong, don't respond to their honesty by venting your anger at them. (If you do, how likely are they to admit their wrongdoing the next time?) Besides being inappropriate at this age, a harsh penalty for lying probably won't have the desired effect: Children who are severely punished for minor offenses often go to extremes, developing an overly strict conscience or becoming pint-sized rebels – neither of which you're aiming for. Instead, praise your preschooler when they tell you the truth. Positive reinforcement is much more effective than punishment in making them feel that it's worth it to be on the up-and-up.
Reassure your preschooler that you love them no matter what. When they accidentally break your bedroom lamp, they may deny it for fear that you won't love them as much. Explain that Mommy and Daddy still love them, even when they have done something you'd rather they don't.
Build trust. Let your preschooler know that you trust them and that you can be trusted, too. If they are due for a shot at their next checkup, for instance, don't tell them it won't hurt. Try to keep your word, and when you can't, apologize for breaking a promise.
Let her know what you expect from them. Use different situations to teach your preschooler what you consider acceptable behavior. Establish parameters, for instance, by letting them know that before they take a cookie off of someone else's plate, they need to first ask if it's okay. Providing clearly defined limits is one of the most loving, positive things you can do for your preschooler. Eventually, they will be able to use them to judge for themselves whether a behavior is appropriate. A child who understands that limits are for their benefit will grow up to be an adult who respects them, too.
Adapted from: Baby Center
Commentaires