Why preschoolers talk back. Ask your preschooler to clear their train set off the kitchen table so you can serve dinner and they retort, "No way!"
Does this display of attitude mean you're in for years of sassing? Not necessarily. When a child talks back, what they are really expressing is anger, frustration, fear, or hurt. Of course, it's hard not to respond angrily to such back talk. But a wiser course of action is to try to find out what's bothering your preschooler, then teach them to express their difficult emotions in a more acceptable way. Think of it this way: Your child's feelings aren't the problem – it's how they express them that's the issue.
What to do about back talk
Is it preventable? If certain situations almost always cause your child to talk back, see if you can help them problem solve ahead of time. For example, if they get angry about having to clean up when they feel like they are in the middle of something, offer to give them a five-minute warning the next time you need them to pick up their toys. Or maybe they get out of bed every night not because
"it's a stupid bed,"
but because they are really afraid of the shadows moving across the wall. In that case, give them a flashlight to keep nearby, or put up shades to block the spooky shadows.
Choose your battles wisely. If you set out your child's clothes for the day and they balk at your choice, is that important enough to argue over? Another solution might be to say calmly,
"If you don't like that shirt/dress, you can choose another one, but it's important that you talk to me nicely.
Do some sleuthing. Ask yourself if they could be imitating an attitude they see in movies or on TV. Kids on comedy shows may get a big laugh when they talk back. Monitor the shows your child watches to make sure they are not picking up the wrong message. Also watch for a pattern to your child's back talk. Does it usually happen when they are tired or overstimulated? Maybe they're involved in too many activities or needs a little quiet time after preschool to rest or calm down.
Set limits ahead of time. Make sure your child understands what is – and isn't – okay to say. So if it's a family rule not to use the word
"yuck"
at the dinner table, make that clear. Or if you don't appreciate their huffy response to an earnest explanation remind them,
"We don't talk that way. Please speak to me nicely."
Also teach your child that they don't have to speak every thought that runs through their head. Grandma doesn't need to be told, however innocently, that her pie is runny, and the bagger at the grocery store doesn't need a preschooler's advice to lose a little weight.
Keep your composure. Don't overreact to your child's mouthing off or get into a power struggle over their choice of words or their tone. And, of course, never answer in kind. The best way to teach your preschooler to speak respectfully is to do so yourself. Tell them,
"I think you can find a much better way to say that."
A knee-jerk response
("Don't you talk to me that way, you bad child!")
won't set a very good example and will only add to their frustration.
Get behind the back talk. When your preschooler verbally lashes out, let them know that you care about their feelings, even if you don't approve of the way they are expressing them. Parents sometimes skip this step and go right to scolding or disciplining a child, but it's important to let your child know you understand that they are mad or frustrated – and even help them label those feelings. If your child thinks you don't get it, they may amp up their reaction to show you just how upset they are. On the other hand, acknowledging their emotions
("Wow, you sound really angry about this")
often removes you from the adversarial role. If you can get past their tone, you can focus on the message they are trying to convey. If they can talk about it calmly, try to come up with a compromise you both can live with. Perhaps they can finish their drawing, then put their socks in the laundry basket, for instance.
Offer choices. If your preschooler has some control over the course of their day, they are less likely to feel the need to assert themselves in offensive ways. So give them appropriate opportunities to make choices for themselves. But don't overwhelm the, (or yourself!) by letting them decide everything. Instead, focus on letting them make the decisions most important to them. Try asking,
"Would you like to wear your green sweater/coat or your red sweatshirt/skirt today?" or "Would you rather go to the park or the library this afternoon?"
Be sure to offer acceptable choices, and respect the ones they make. Don't give your child a choice between ice cream and fresh fruit for dessert if you really want them to eat the fruit. Choices aren't the same as bribes, though. So if you tell them,
"Put on your shoes without a fuss and you can have ice cream later," you're only rewarding them for not acting out.
Also beware of the
"okay"
trap. It may feel natural to say,
"Let's get ready for bed now, okay?" or "Time to get your shoes on, okay?"
But this can confuse young kids and make them think they have a choice to say no.
Be clear about what is and isn't a choice:
"It's time to get ready for bed. Do you want to wear your cowboy/unicorn pajamas or your red pajamas?"
Know when to turn a deaf ear. If your preschooler has moved beyond a simple
"no"
and turned nasty or throws a tantrum, don't negotiate, compromise, or even discuss their opinion with them. This will only reinforce the behavior. For instance, if you're playing a lively game of Twister and they spit out,
"I did not fall down, you dummy!"
tell the, that you won't play with them unless they talk nicely. If they continues to be rude, make good on your promise and end the game immediately (no more chances, and no more discussion). Leave the room, and tell them,
"We'll talk when you're ready to be nice."
Of course, you can't exactly abandon your child in the checkout line if they try to pressure you into buying a candy bar. When faced with back talk in public, don't be intimidated into being a pushover (or a taskmaster, for that matter). Briefly and calmly let your preschooler know that being nasty – no matter where or when – doesn't cut it.
Find a quiet spot and tell them that if they do it again, there will be a consequence, like missing their favorite TV show or skipping the post-shopping trip to the playground. Showing your child that you respect yourself too much to be treated this way will both model respect and earn it.
Adapted from: Baby Center
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