The dilemma:
A wife with a habit of buying – and hiding – expensive shoes from her husband.
A husband with a secret online gambling addiction.
A partner racking up credit card debt for purchases the other partner doesn’t know about.
These are all examples of financial infidelity.
But what is financial infidelity?
At its core, financial infidelity is a breach of trust around what you're doing or not doing with money. When we're in financial infidelity, we're doing it because we're either trying to protect ourselves from feeling some relational pain or from them experiencing or me evoking something inside of them that's uncomfortable. Financial infidelity can violate any type of relationship, including a spouse or partner, sibling, parent, friend, employer, or – here’s the real kicker, against yourself.
You're being unfaithful to yourself when you are not realistic about your finances or avoid your relationship with money, so we're kind of cheating on our own integrity around what we want to be doing with money. More broadly, financial infidelity usually happens when there’s likely something that's happening in that relationship that's making it not safe or acceptable to be honest or transparent about how you're spending money. When we fear criticism or shame or judgment for what we're doing with money, we're much more likely to start hiding what we're doing. That may mean hiding your shopping habits or purchases. But some people fail to pay personal or business taxes, and parents who don’t want to disclose their financial problems to their adult children when it comes to estate planning.
More than 40% of people have committed financial infidelity
Financial infidelity is rather prevalent in relationships. In a 2021 study found that two in five (43%) people in a relationship confess to having committed some act of financial deception, with 85% stating that indiscretion affected the current/past relationship in some way. In a more recent study 53% of people believe hiding finances from a significant other is a betrayal of trust.
No one reason for financial infidelity
Since there is such a wide range of financial infidelity, there are different reasons for why it might occur. For instance, a secret gambling addiction is rooted in a mental health issue, which is layered into infidelity. There may also be cultural differences – one spouse may feel stuck between a cultural expectation to provide support to parents and a partner who doesn’t share or understand that obligation. A similar situation can come up with adult children when one parent thinks financial support is required while the other doesn’t.
When it's self-protection, not infidelity
Yet another scenario is a spouse or partner who is in a dangerous relationship and feels the need to put money aside to help them get out of it. It is not considered financial infidelity, but financial self-protection. The time that you can be fully honest and transparent about your finances is when there's enough relational safety, when you have a reasonable expectation that your partner can actually shift from anger and disappointment to compassion and empathy.
So how does someone who has committed financial infidelity come clean?
In an ideal world, you would have enough emotional resolve or maturity to be able to come to your partner and just say, ‘I need to invite you into a difficult conversation about our finances. Are you in a place where we can talk about something that's likely to make both of us uncomfortable?. That sets the stage so we're not blinding them psychologically with the news.
Many people want to be able to talk to their partner in a safe, accountable and respectful way because they don't want to do regrettable things or say regrettable things when this comes out.
What’s advice for the other party? Infidelity is often discovered by a partner, employer, or friend because some type of documentation or other evidence comes to light. Likely, the person is going to have some pretty big emotional reactions, or you might go numb. There should be the acknowledgment that you are hurt and caught off guard.
Some people who receive the news of financial infidelity react by journaling or reading, talking to a therapist, or mindfulness practices. It's a time to be honest with yourself about what's going on, because your partner may not be in a place where they're ready to be honest with you, which really compounds the exposure of financial infidelity. That may also be a signal that you and your partner could use professional help. A financial therapist can be a neutral third party. “We can stay in a place of suspending any judgment about any one person and what they've done and we can bring curiosity, compassion and empathy to all parties involved to try to help them come back together around what does it mean to have this money between us and how do we find some place of safety and acceptance.
Adapted from: USA Today
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