A ‘timeout’ is a concept that everyone is familiar with. Giving children a timeout, when done correctly, can help them overcome a variety of behavioural challenges. However, time-outs may appear inadequate in certain situations, and the problem is usually not with the time-out itself. Instead, the issue lies with misunderstanding how to apply the time-outs for children. This is not a discussion about children, but instead, this is about parents.
The Value of Time-outs for Adults
When parents lose their cool with their children, most are disappointed with their reactions. And for many, the problem is persistent and creates many layers of difficulty at home. Parents often say kids know how to push their buttons. Of course, the truth is that none of us possesses a button. It’s only a metaphor that serves to keep us from taking full responsibility for our actions. When we begin to speak in metaphors, we are essentially assigning blame for our reactions to our children. It’s the equivalent of saying:
“If only my kids behaved better, I would behave better.”
“I wouldn’t have to yell at my kids if they didn’t yell.”
“I have to scream to get their attention. That’s not my fault.”
When we go into this
“button-pushing”
conversation, we are always relinquishing responsibility. We do this because it doesn’t feel good to behave this way. So we try to absolve ourselves of responsibility for our decisions by transferring it to our children. But what if we want to change this? What if there was a way to change these reactive patterns? It’s not sexy, or immediate, but it is effective!
Time-Out: Interrupt The Reactive Patterns!
Regardless of your history or genetics, your brain can be rewired. But it will require persistent effort, to disengage with your habitual tendencies. You can do this by intentionally taking a ‘time-out’ for yourself…repeatedly and intentionally. The key is to walk away from moments that will predictably ‘push your button’ and take a quick time-out. It is most effective to do something that pulls your attention away from the situation that provokes you. And get away early, because if the situation becomes intense, it’s too late. As adults, we need more than a few minutes. I suggest taking 10-15 minutes. You can’t just walk away, take a breath, and come back immediately. You will still be emotionally attached and you won’t be able to think clearly. Your judgement will be off, and your decisions will blind you to calmer options. So take some time to walk around the block, do some intentional breathing, take a quick shower or even simply run in place. Anything that will compel your attention away from the provocative moment that is upsetting you. That’s the goal.
“But how can I do this? They aren’t listening. And they were disrespectful.”
Yes it is a struggle. However, examine the outcome of all of your ranting and agitation. You end up yelling more, getting more irritated, and the kids do less as time goes on.
It’s a broken system that needs to be abandoned.
The first step toward making a significant change in your home is for you to make a change. You must lead by example, demonstrating that you can maintain your composure even when things aren’t going as planned. Unless you teach them the path, they won’t be able to keep their cool when life disappoints or irritates them. Make the most of the time-out by putting your other ‘wants’ on hold for a while. Please believe me when I say that you can maintain your cool in the midst of pandemonium. Adding another dramatic, upset voice to your family will not make things better. More drama and upheaval ensue, with fewer and fewer outcomes. In terms of a parenting plan, more may be needed, but this is the first and most important stage. As a result, give the time-out strategy a try. Recognize that going for a ten-minute walk or even sitting down alone for a few minutes will have no negative consequences. Teach your brain that you can choose calm (and all the nice things that come with it) over reactive thinking (and all the bad, nasty things that come with it) by taking regular time-outs.
Adapted from: The Saratogian
Comments